Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It's going to be great. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")

And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have An additional spot the place American Adult men can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer Anyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is gentle power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It's that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked about the undertaking, replied, "You already know, guy, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"

In Trump Tower Damascus the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."

Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, labeled.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It really is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions

Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"

The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it might stabilize the world"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"

The task is already attracting awareness from Worldwide traders, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:

A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."

A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories propose:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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